These past several months have been filled with so much activity and excitement that I’m afraid to look under my bed. Yes, that’s right, the dust bunnies are so big that even Coco is steering clear.
Initially, my Spring/Summer was looking quite bleak. Post 50th birthday bliss in Paris, I came crashing down hard with a personal situation that arose that quite honestly I was not very happy about. I fought back the tears of frustration and migraines and wondered what I was doing wrong. The Universe kept pushing me further and further from my destination that I finally just gave up. Yep, that’s right. I surrendered. Exhausted and pissed off, I decided I wasn’t going to fight anymore and I GAVE UP.
I distanced myself from the things that caused me stress and anxiety in my life and decided I no longer wanted to be the victim of circumstances other people controlled. I’m not a quitter by nature so this was a really tough thing for me. What I’ve realized since, is that it was the best decision I’ve made in years.
Finally letting go of what I “thought I should be doing” has cleared the path for the Universe to allow me to receive the message of what “I should actually be doing”. I’m a creative idiot and have always surrounded myself with artists of all walks of life. I’m also a bit weird and confess that I carry poems by Tagore in my wallet. I’m a writer, obviously, and have old lined booklets full of my miserable teen years and started chronicling my observations on life at the mere age of ten. So, it’s no accident that blogging found me – thank you Elora!
Oh, what a tortured soul I was! But talent? Bah. I knew it when I saw it in others but lacked the ability to see it in myself. I knew I could sing, but there was always someone better, I can be kinda funny too, but then there are all those comedians. Same goes for dancing, writing and the endless list of all my failures combined. Blogging on the other hand has opened up so many friendships, experiences and doors but I was clearly running out of steam here too. I decided to step back, post less and focus on living outside the screen and keyboard for a while.
This latest crossroad was unwelcome. I was comfortable with my shortcomings and broken record mentality of how nothing was going my way. Admittedly, I was even getting tired of playing that song but I didn’t know how to push the reset button anymore because I got fat, lazy and depressed. Then it happened. It felt like the worst betrayal of all. Someone else kicked me out of my own dream. Or at least, that is how it felt for me. I was made to feel like an unwanted, disposable rag that just got in the way.
Forced to hit the reset button, I started with nature. I bought loads of plants and started a garden on my balcony. I’ve killed a few along the way but watching a flower bloom from a seed after being overwatered and manhandled by yours truly, was inspiring. I even bought a wisteria tree which is insane!
Then the magic started. I went to an art class for fun. The blank canvas invoked a fear inside of me that I wanted to conquer. I wanted to play but suddenly was frozen. Then I learned how forgiving a brush stoke can be. And another one, and one more. Two hours flew by and then I woke up to see a finished painting and wondered where it came from. Did I actually just do that? I cannot even win a game of Pictionary!
I don’t honestly know where this energy is coming from. I’m the girl who buys stencils and colours inside the lines. I’ve been painting now for three weeks and I’ve sold a few of my paintings already. Who is this person and where was she for the first fifty years? I have even opened up an Etsy store called Paint Butterfly Kisses, and hope that this is not a temporary phenomena.
I’ve been so inspired to paint that I stay up until 3:00 a.m. to finish one. I’m a zombie the next day and like I said, the dust bunnies are so big under the bed that Coco thinks she has new friends in the apartment.
And just to be sure I have my two feet firmly planted on the ground, and a back up plan to my plan, I started a massage course and will be certified in a few months. House cleaning be damned! I’m busy with smelly feet and painting frenzies 😀😂