Mama’s on Fire!


hair on fireI swear to God, even my imagination is never going to be as good as a real day spent with Mama.

It all started at an early morning hour when we met up to go together to the mountain. She called me at 8:00 a.m. and asked me to pick-up some food for lunch. I told her I had prepared some chili and that there was enough for three people (FYI: there ended up being five!). The drive up was non-eventful until we reached the bottom of the hill. We had to wait for someone who was going to work on the house. In true Italian fashion, he was 45 minutes late. Mama is probably the most impatient person I know so this did not bode well.

When we got to the most difficult curve in the road she started barking at me how to take the turn…I was already half way through so I told her to stop talking because I needed to concentrate “Non parla Mama, NON PARLAAAAA”. If I ever said that to my own mother I would probably be disowned! But I have learned over the years that this is the only way to handle Mama, otherwise she would have kept talking and I would for sure have hit the side of the wall. The two men in the backseat got so quiet, I think I must have scared them into thinking I was some crazy American girl (they don’t know the difference between Americans and Canadians) who was going to do a Thelma & Louise stunt before we arrived at the house.

We finally arrived and got to work on starting the wood stove to warm the house up. Mama emptied a huge bag of walnut shells into the fire-pit leaving a trail of shells all over the floor. I cleaned up and we had a roaring flame in no time at all. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what she did next…

For some reason, she opened the door to the stove and stuck her face in. You can just imagine what happened next. Poof! She jumped back, “Oh Dio” she said. I looked to see if she was still on fire and the whole right side of her hair was singed along with her hat! I said what the hell are you doing? You burned your hair! And she said “Ma, niente”. Oh boy, this is really going to be a very long day.

We managed, thanks to a bag of polenta, to feed three men and two women on my meager portion of chili and get through the rest of our day. I decided rather than risk a fight on the drive home, I would let Mama drive instead. I was also a bit paranoid because there are many ‘random police checks’ during the holiday season and I wanted to play it safe (Yes, I am still studying for my Italian driver’s permit). I should have known better and taken my chances. In the 45 minute drive back she almost ran down three pedestrians and tail-gated anyone who dared to do the speed limit.

I am still picking my fingernails out of the dashboard…

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About lmarmstrong66

I'm a blogger, painter, writer, singer. For the love of all things in nature and creativity.
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10 Responses to Mama’s on Fire!

  1. Lin Hunnicutt says:

    Oh Leah this one made me laugh, your tales of mama are awesome and I think you need to write a book about living with mama. Lin and Major lhsh@sc.rr.com Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean to your own understandings. In all your ways acknowldege Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

    • Lin, I will eventually write the book but not until Mama is six feet under. Otherwise she might kill me 🙂 google translate has gotten much too sophisticated these days hahaha

  2. katecrimmins says:

    Oh, she’s just plain crazy!

  3. sarainlepetitvillage says:

    Oh how funny! Mama sounds like quite the character! Thank heavens she only managed to singe her hair and hat 😉

  4. Hata Trbonja says:

    I just discovered your blog and I am in love. I also have a peach of a mother in law. Maybe one day I will tell you how she loves to cook in surgical gloves and how the food tastes like them. Anyway… I really enjoy your site.
    Hata

    • Thank you Hata! I love your name!
      Surgical gloves huh…lol
      My mil told me once that I used too much dish soap and that it causes cancer!
      At least we are not alone in their weirdness 🙂
      Thanks for stopping by. Btw, how did you find me? Just curious…

      • Hata Trbonja says:

        Thanks! I found you on expatsblog. i just registered my site there and hope to drive some more people my way. Yes, surgical gloves. She reuses the same gloves over and over. I probably have so much latex lining my intestines, they could be used as condoms after I die. What is with the cancer thing?! My mil always talks about cancer too. Not that all of her crash dieting in her 70’s could possible be harmful to her health. Whatever! Pray that I survive two weeks at their home for Christmas.
        Hata

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