Five stars or bust


I’m going to start off by stating that I blame my mom.

I’m not one to shrink at a few nights camping in a tent or the appearance of bugs in the countryside either. Over the past several years I’ve dealt with wild boars, lizards and bats and survived to tell the tale. Heck, I’ve even attacked bees with my umbrella when they got trapped in the hatch back of my car.

In Italy, they have one type of bee called a ‘calebronia’. I don’t know what that translates to but I can tell you they’re the size of a golf ball and I do my best to steer clear of them. A few years ago we had a couple wasp nests in the olive tree trunks. We decided to destroy them at the end of summer until we had a family picnic and one of the kids got stung in the head three times!

The following night my husband and his sister crept up the hill with cans of poison. Like a coward, I stayed indoors where it was safe and opened the door for them when they ran down the hill trying to outrun the angry beasts. It was like watching a creepy Alfred Hitchcock film when the wasps hovered by the light outside the kitchen door just seconds after I closed it.

Now that we have started to occupy the house downstairs, it has become quite apparent that years of neglect and open windows was a welcome mat for every critter in Portofino. Even Coco got freaked out when she spotted a huge centipede run across the living room floor. I finally had to sweep it outside after trying to beat it senseless with the broom.

Every morning I wake up with mysterious bites that I am pretty sure are from spiders. My skin swells up and I can hardly sleep. I have changed the pillows, washed the sheets and sprinkled baking soda on the mattress which has now officially been vacuumed twice and the room has been sprayed with bug spray and freshly painted. What more can I do?

I’m here for the next several months while renovations take place and we renew our residency cards with the Authorities. In the meantime, we are not alone (not that this is exactly the romantic bugless reunion I hoped for with my husband). We are here with his sister and bf (you know, Speedo dude). They are on vacation until the 31st. Then, tonight my husband mentioned that Mama may come up for a few days…

So could someone please tell me again why it was a good idea to marry an Italian and move to Italy?

I’m pretty sure I will be asking for a vacation extension from work and making reservations at a nice five star spa hotel when this ordeal is done. Yes, my mom raised a high maintenance daughter and I will never be a tree hugging, camping, bug loving kinda girl. Truth is, it’s not my fault that the bugs love me and that I swell up like a balloon when they bite me now is it?
FYI: Coco LOVES it here! Figures.

Sent from my iPad

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About lmarmstrong66

I'm a blogger, painter, writer, singer. For the love of all things in nature and creativity.
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One Response to Five stars or bust

  1. Cyndy says:

    Poor you!!!!!! ( also hysterical !!)

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