Being an Expat in Italy is not always easy. As my sister can tell you, tearful Skype calls are not the glamorous side of my life. As I’ve said before, I will write many different things on my blog, the good, the bad, and the realistic. Italy is beautiful, and I know in some ways I am quite fortunate to live in such a beautiful country with the mountains, the sea and the culture. But I am still 100% Canadian and the adjustment to living here has taken its toll on me.
As many of my readers know, there have been many peaks and valley’s in this journey called life no matter where you live. My choice to be an Expat came with the knowledge that it would be an exciting life but also a more difficult and challenging one.
Since my return to Italy September 12th, I have admittedly fallen into a depression. I was barely used to being without my husband again and Stelle died September 20th. I’ve often tried to post happy, light writings on my blog to help myself get out of this slump but this time it has taken over my life. I tried little projects like painting my room yellow and I have a new kitty coming next week and I have been busy “nesting” like an expectant mother.
But I have fallen into a depression that I just can’t seem to shake. Is it hereditary? Environmental? Cultural? Hormonal? Who the heck knows? Maybe it’s a combination of all of the above. I’ve had some recent knocks lately and learned the hard way that although I have many male Canadian friends it is and will always will be impossible to have an Italian male friend here. I recently got burned by some rumours and I was hurt by the betrayal. The experience has left me cold and untrusting and paranoid. Not a good combination for someone who is already feeling a bit down in the dumps.
I feel naked and vulnerable. Desperate to have some friends I suppose I made some bad choices in the beginning. Anyways, now Mama has got me appointments with psychologists and psychiatrists. I know suicide is a serious issue and I am certainly not making light of it here. I am sad and lonely, but am not suicidal. I am just a bit unsettled as to how best to balance my life and my last few experiments have back fired on me. I have read many expat websites and sadly have read some stories of suicide where the person’s teenage child was just not coping with the cultural changes.
I guess what I am trying to say here is that my blog is my way of reaching out and being heard and that I appreciate all my readers immensely. The life of an Expat may sound glamorous and exciting to those who have never lived abroad and sometimes it is. But if it wasn’t for the love and support of my family and friends I would never survive out here.
This depression will pass, I still have more options and I plan to try them all before I pack up and go back to Canada. Mama may think the white coats are coming to get me soon but I plan to fight them every step of the way. It’s not that I don’t love Canada, I just love my husband more : )