Mama’s magic sleeping pills have started to dull my senses and hopefully sleep will follow soon. Today I didn’t want to wake up. My life is black and dark and I want to keep the shutters down and stop being truly alive. I couldn’t look Mama in the eye because I know Stelle also touched her heart and that she too cried.
There’s an empty feeling in the apartment but it feels like there is a giant white elephant standing in the living room asking what to do now? I don’t want to see anyone because then I will have to acknowledge my pain on a more personal level, you know, the kind where your face scrunches up and snot comes streaming out of your nose?
I cancel my lunch plans and lay in bed staring at the ceiling. I try to sleep but this is pointless so then I start to read but I find myself getting to the bottom of the page not knowing anything I just read. By four p.m. I grab the car keys and head for the car park. Where am I going? I don’t know. We need milk, but I can’t deal with it. I call Elora, she is busy at work, I call Chrissandra and she is downtown shopping. I start the car and let it guide me to a happier place. I need to erase this darkness before it consumes me whole.
Four friends, a pizza place and some girl chat bring me back to life. Stelle died and so did a part of me too but I must get the strength to go forward. Thank you Elora, Michelle and Chrissandra for helping me find some light in this darkness.