Forewarning: This is gonna get personal!
Today I’m just frustrated. Maybe Mama was right, why would I ever want kids? I have cried in my soup for far too many years about being childless. I’ve often thought that there was no other purpose to my life other than to carry on a next generation. Otherwise, what exactly is my contribution to this world? It’s bad enough when people look at you like how dare you not have kids, and then rattle on about how so and so got pregnant when they stopped trying.
All I can say is BASTA! First of all, I am going to use this blog as a rant. Sorry, but it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want. I am not a cold-hearted, selfish person and perhaps this is how I feel for not “trying harder” to have kids. But in my humble opinion, I’ve tried enough. It ruined my first marriage. I think the price I paid for being barren is enough without having total strangers advise me to “get on it” before it gets too late. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!
Why do people who hardly know me think it’s okay to make my business their business? Quite frankly, I’m tired of making up excuses to little old ladies at airports too. I try to gracefully side step the topic only to end up in a mine-field. So listen up! The next time you meet a young or older couple, it’s okay to ask do you have any children, but if they say no, move on to the next topic, like do you have any pets! For the record, I have a beautiful cat named Stelle, thanks for asking : )
Now, back to Mama. You would think that like most Italian mother-in-laws, she would be destroyed to know that her only son chose a 40-something wife who couldn’t have kids. Believe me, I was already ready to run for the hills. But, as it turns out, she thinks I am crazy for still racking my brain and emotions over it. And now I am starting to think she’s right.
Mama may be a bit eccentric and crazy and she drives me crazy at the best of times, but I am so glad that she is my Italian mother-in-law, otherwise I probably would have run for the hills and not married her son. My husband made me promise never to give up hopes for a child one day and I very reluctantly said okay. But luckily he has made it my decision whether or not to be aggressive about it. No pressure attached. Now that IVF is around it seems that no one can have the good old-fashioned excuse of “well, we had lots of sex but no go on the baby thing…oh well”. FYI: Not everyone wants to be pumped full of hormones and operated on. Does that suddenly make me a bad person for “not trying hard enough?”
I recently had a “discussion” with a 16-year-old. Albeit, she is the product of a nasty divorce and has been caught in the crossfire recently. I feel for the kid, honestly, I do. I was once her. I tried my best to be objective and help her understand that most adults are jerks and that life can be unfair at times, but she’s 16. She doesn’t want to hear it. This of course was the main source of my frustration today. Why can’t I get through to her? Why won’t she understand my point of view and appreciate that I am trying to save her from making some terrible mistakes that one day she will regret? Then I thought to myself, wait a minute. I’m not her mom. I never will be. Yes, I care. But, for once I was glad I didn’t have any kids.